*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.