*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.