I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”