I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me