If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
You Might Also Like
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Saturday
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.