Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.