On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Someone just threatened to call me later
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!