“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Why am I like this?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.