I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.