[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
After 35, your body ages in dog years
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.