Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.