Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
That took me a moment.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?