“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
💁🏻♂️
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
lmao
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.