I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
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Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.