[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I bet birds love this building.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird