Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m tired tomorrow.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.