VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.