Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
The 6 types of sex
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.