Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You Might Also Like
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you