Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Best spoiler warning ever
This is Sparta
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”