Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅