Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.