Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.