indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350