[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I only treason on days ending in y
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa