Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.