Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
We have a winner.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes