Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Noah was an idiot.
Godspeed, John Glenn
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows