this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
You Might Also Like
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: