All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.