2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-