Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital