genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”