Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.