The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
✌️
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy