*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.