In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?