Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I would like even faster food.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh