Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.