I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2