If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click