Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Goat cheese is for herders.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.