Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Just me?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight