*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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there’s probably a fee though
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works