Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.