The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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Name another movie that mislead you?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
welcome back
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic