i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]