I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You Might Also Like
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes