I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I bet birds love this building.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.