Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”